The late, great George Carlin once said “I could never understand ethnic or national pride. Because to me, pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn’t a skill, it’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say ‘I’m proud to be 5’11”, I’m proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer.’ So why the fuck would you be proud to be Irish or proud to be Italian, or American, or anything?” And he’s totally right. But you know what? THIS IS AMERICA AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Right? Right? Regardless of your feelings toward the good ol’ U-S-of-A, it’s no contest when it comes to national pride. Americans are proud of everything they stand for, and you can take that pride when you pull it from our cold, dead, greasy hands. Whether it comes to true pieces of Americana like Apple Pie or Root Beer Floats, or the heart clogging, sweat-inducing foods that ‘Murica has become known for, like Deep Fried Butter… on a Stick… with Frosting, Americans are just as proud of their foodstuffs as they are about every aspect of our culture. For the 28th week of Reddit’s 52 Weeks of Cooking Challenge, we’re celebrating the the stars and stripes, the land of the free and home of the brave, GODDAMN ‘MURICA.
When you think of great Americans through history, a litany of names could come to mind: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Rick Derringer, Hulk Hogan, Stephen Colbert. All great men, but can quite match the gravitas emanated from one man. The moustachioed, mountain of America that is Ronald Ulysses Swanson of Pawnee, Indiana. For those unfamiliar, you’re sorely missing out. Portrayed by Nick Offerman, Ron Swanson is the stoic, intense director of the Parks Department from NBC’s Parks & Recreation. Providing a stark contrast to Amy Poehler’s bright, bubbly Leslie Knope, Ron Swanson is the embodiment of all that it means to be an American. Ron despises government, and actively works to make it run more inefficiently. Ron Swanson is a lover of all things American and masculine, such as red meat, hunting, whiskey and breakfast foods. He’s even constructed the Pyramid of Greatness, an all inclusive guide on how to become the perfect being. The second tier from the top of the pyramid includes two of the most important aspects of being a true ‘MURICAN: Buffets: Whenever available. Choose quantity over quality; America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other “cultures”, use an atlas or a ham radio. If this week is celebrating all that is ‘MURICA, I can think of no better way than to pay homage to the greatest American, fictional or otherwise.
In one episode of Parks & Rec, Ron and Andy Dwyer (played by Chris Pratt, of recent fame with The Lego Movie and Guardians of the Galaxy), are deciding where to get lunch. Andy suggests a nearby Mexican restaurant, which Ron quickly dismisses for being foreign food, but quickly reconsidered after being told about a burrito known as the Meat Tornado. Described only as “having actually killed a guy last year”, the meat tornado seemed to be a perfect dish to honor Ron Swanson, and also worsen my health as a true ‘MURICAN. Since the description was brief, and it only came up once, I had to get a bit creative with my version. In keeping with the Pyramid of Greatness, I had to include an absurd amount of red meat and no vegetables. A simple beef burrito wouldn’t be enough to by truly ‘MURICAN, so I went all out. I filled my burrito with not one, not five, but SEVEN DIFFERENT ANIMALS. Luckily my local grocery store carries a line of game sausages that aren’t too expensive. I picked up boar, lamb, duck, venison and pork sausages, then cooked them up with strips of beef steak and ground bison meat. To add a little flavor, I cooked the meats with tomato (technically a fruit, so we’re in the clear) and some chili powder. To bind the filling, I mixed in some refried beans to make a more homogenous slop. Rolled up into the biggest tortilla I could find and sprinkled with a little cheese, I can see why this might actually kill somebody. I feel like there was no way to not make it look like a sloppy pile of meat, but I also feel like there isn’t a need for it to look like anything other than that. No frilly presentations, no cerebral ideas behind why I made it the way I did. Just meat, in a pile, with a beer. What could be more ‘MURICAN? After eating this, it felt like i had just worked out. I needed a beer and a nap, and that’s what I did. Because I’m an American, and you can’t tell me what to do.
Meat Tornado, inspired by Parks & Recreation
makes about 6 burritos
- Boar Sausage, 4 each
- Venison Sausage, 4 each
- Duck Sausage, 4 each
- Pork Sausage, 4 each
- Lamb Merguez Sausage, 5 each
- Onion, thinly sliced, 1 each
- Bison, Ground, 1 lb
- Top Round Steak, diced, 1lb
- Canned tomato, 1 each
- Refried beans, 1 can
- 10″ Tortilla, 6 each
- Cheddar Cheese, shredded, about 2 cups
In a large, heavy bottomed pot, cook off each sausage individually until crispy, about 3 minutes. Remove sausages from pan. In remaining sausage grease, cook onion until tender. Add bison and beef and cook until browned. Add tomatoes and simmer over medium heat until beef is tender, about 30 minutes. slice sausages into rounds and add to meat mixtures, mixing to combine. Using a slotted spoon, remove meats from pot to a mixing bowl, leaving remaining grease and liquid in the pot. Mix meat mixture with refried beans until combined evenly. Lightly warm tortillas over an open flame burner, or in the microwave for 10 seconds. Sprinkle cheese on the bottom of the tortilla, then top with desired amount of meat mixture, preferably as much as you can fit. Roll into a burrito and serve warm.
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